American ingenuity never ceases to amaze.  Especially when disaster is in the air.  A company called Logic Integration Inc., is banking on a near-future disaster to sell people full- and half-floor condos in what were formally Midwest missile silos. 

Yes, there’s no need to seek safety in a cellar or boring old bomb shelter when you can spend up to $3 million for a chance to live like kings and queens underground should some sort of life-altering catastrophe strike the earth.

 

What kind of amenities will your Luxury Survival Condo complex have?

 

• 4 hotel rooms
• Grocery store
• Medical rooms
• Dental office
• Shooting range
• Indoor dog park
• Movie theater
• Indoor pool and water slide

 

I’m not making this up.  Here’s a video about it.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLy6AXjwQK8

 

These condos are located in Kansas.  After your purchase, you can live in your condo any time, not just during a disaster.  But what if a serious national disaster happens?  If you’re living very far outside of Kansas, how do you get to your safe haven in one piece?  The Logic Integration website answers that question:

 

“We have three contingency plans in place to ensure that you have passage to the facility in the case of any emergency. These plans will be discussed with potential buyers only.”

 

If the earth is being engulfed by flames and you live more than a hundred or so yards away from the silo entrance, they better have more than three plans, I know that much.

 

And what’s this business about “4 hotel rooms”?  What kind of people are going to be trying to book a hotel room during a worldwide nuclear apocalypse?

 

GUEST: Hi, I need a room for me and the wife for four-point-five years.

DESK CLERK: Okay, sir . . .

GUEST: Or at least till the apples start growing again.

DESK CLERK: Certainly, sir, but where’s your wife?

(GUEST points to the floor next to him, where there is a head and part of a torso wiggling around.)

DESK CLERK: Okay, a room for one and a half.  Do you want smoking or non-smoking?

GUEST: Non-smoking.  We smoked enough on the way here since there were only three contingency plans.  Also my wife’s going to need a step-stool to get in the tub.

DESK CLERK: No problem, I’ll have one of the maids bring one right up.

GUEST: You have maids?

DESK CLERK: We have them shipped in.  If they survive the trip, we put them to work.  If they don’t, to hell with them.

 One thing they conveniently don’t tell you is the kind of . . . “event” that might happen on earth to cause people to need a Luxury Survival Condo in the first place.  But here’s the deal: If it’s Armageddon, I doubt it’s going to matter how deep you go into the earth, because you won’t be able to escape.  Unless you dig all the way to hell, but then that would be like out of the frying pan and into the frying pan, so it really doesn’t make any difference.

 If the disaster is, say, a nuclear strike that wipes out all forms of life on the planet, I’m not sure how awesome all the above-mentioned amenities would seem.  There you are in your silo condo as the surface of the earth as you know it is being wiped out.  I doubt you’re going to be saying, “What do you want to do tonight, honey?  I know – let’s take the kids to a movie and then hit the pool for some waterslide fun!”

 I know I wouldn’t be saying that.  Assuming I planned to live more than a couple of years, I’d be more concerned about the food supply running out and trying to determine when, if ever, it would be safe to climb back up to the earth’s surface.  I seriously doubt The Maze Runner and snorkel practice would be high on my list.

 But then let’s say I’m down in the silo because a tornado was coming.  Couldn’t I just go into a cellar and save the millions I would spend on the survival condo to build an awesome new house should the twister level my current one?

 Like I said, the designers don’t say exactly why one would use the facility.  They just say if you “ended up in the facility for an extended period of time.”  Which basically tells us nothing.

The Luxury Survival Condo website says this:

 “Are you interested in securing peace of mind by purchasing a Luxury Survival Condo? Keep in mind that these condos run from $1.5 mil to $3 mil and most banks will not finance. You must be liquid to become an owner.”

 It wouldn’t hurt to be somewhat gullible as well.

 

Nick Glidewell